My cup runneth over

I’m better. It’s taken a year and some months but here I am.

Thursday night as I’m walking to the train station to go home for my sister’s birthday I ran into a new friend. We shared an umbrella in the rain as we walked to our respective destinations. It was one of those spontaneous yet perfectly timed events that make you feel like you are in the right place and moving in the right trajectory.

Friday I was home to help celebrate my middle sister’s 18th birthday. 18! I can’t say enough how proud I am of her and my youngest sister. They are incredibly grounded and just all around fantastic. In recent months I have found myself loosening up and begin enjoying myself and they have been highly instrumental in making that happen. Spending time with them makes me feel whole. They are incredibly patient with me (I have a bit of a temper) and their wit and sense of humor make the worst days seem like a walk in the park. They show me what really matters in life.

I was out with a group of friends Saturday night (more on that later) and there were some new people in the group. As the night wore on, the conversations became more personal. Inevitably we began exchanging relationship stories. My turn came. And went. It was all very anticlimactic. I could have made it quite a production and in the past I definitely have. Saturday night, though, it was a quick who, what, when, where and why. I did a little happy dance in my head. My healing process involves lots and lots of talking. (Thank you to all my dear friends and family members who had to listen to my story a million times over in excruciating detail. I love you guys!) Saturday night, I spent a lot more time listening. My preference. It was awesome, simply put.

Earlier today I was catching up with a friend at a favorite spot over wine and good food and in between telling a story I had to stop and let it out – I’m finally enjoying myself. Nothing extraordinary happened over the weekend. No life altering events. Aspects of my life are still stressful and mild drama erupts now and again. I get through it though because I realize how much I have to be grateful for. It’s a liberating feeling. I am having a hard time finding just the right words to describe it but I’ll give it a shot. Peaceful. Calm. Solid. Grounded. That’s a good start.

It’s been a long time coming. Early on I was anxious to “get over it”. I wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and not have the same negative thoughts in my head all day long. Or have flashbacks as I was going about my day. And I really wanted the memories to stop replaying in my head over and over again. So when I came to the realization today it was quite out of the blue. I felt lighter. It seems along the way I managed to fill myself up with enough goodness. The empty feeling I was walking around with is gone.

The entire weekend (and past few weeks for that matter) was brilliant from beginning to end. Between shopping with family and making birthday cake and birthday lasagna and inhaling mom’s cooking;
Between eating fried grasshoppers at the Mexican restaurant and bridal parties crashing our dinner;
Between spontaneous ginger tea in the afternoon with a friend and indulging in the best cappuccino in town and walking to the grocery store in the warm winter weather in new shoes;
Between feeling like a 16 year old every time I pass the building where my crush lives and sharing an umbrella with said crush on a cold winter night and consequently not really feeling the cold at all because he’s walking next to me;
Between running into the same cute neighbor in my building yet again and exchanging embarrassing stories and complaining about work and discussing future plans with a friend over wine;
Between singing out loud to All I want for Christmas by Mariah Carey on the car radio and watching movies set during Christmas;
Between having dad set up the TV in my apartment even though I told him I didn’t need it and having mom clean my apartment even though I told her she didn’t need to;
Between getting my butt kicked by my trainer and feeling it for an entire two weeks;
Between playing matchmaker and resurrecting the “Backup List”;
Between doing laundry on a Sunday and having conversations with God;
Between all this and so much more…I don’t feel empty anymore.