Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Planning my life

At the start of every year I purchase a planner. I hem and haw about it for days because without fail halfway through the year I stop using the planner or worse losing it. I'm quite diligent for the first few months and then life gets crazy hectic (even though I have a planner) and I stop writing things down.

I don't make resolutions as that is reserved for my birthday. The planner is the one ritual I have attached to the New Year. I seriously considered not purchasing one due to my inability to maintain the planning process the entire year. I caved and recently purchased a gorgeous one for 2009. I figure I won't lose it because it's so gorgeous and that I will continue to use it because it's so gorgeous.

My logic is flawless. I see no problems here.

This year is the longest ever

Each morning for the past few days I wake up and can't get over how long this year feels. I'm not expecting things to be dramatically different next year or thinking some sort of miracle will occur the moment we finally switch over to 2009. I don't know what it is exactly...

I was emailing with a dear friend a few days ago and he gave his perspective on this feeling and I rather liked it. He said "Wishing you a great 2009 as 2008 was a good year in preparing you for 2009!"

It's so easy to hold on to the bad things that happened or the things we were hoping for that didn't materialize. It's so easy that we gloss over the things that pleasantly surprised us or that some of the things that didn't materialize turned out to be for our benefit after all.

2008 was a hard year. It wasn't bad - just hard. I'm not expecting 2009 to be easier but given what my friend said maybe it will be because 2008 has in fact prepared me quite well on many fronts.

I have a better perspective on work and life and balancing it all.
I have a clearer vision of what I want my future to look like.
I've opened the door to new possibilities that I had previously kept the door shut very tightly on.

Most importantly, in working through all the trials of 2008, I've come to find that I'm feeling more like myself - not the version of me from just a year ago...but the version of me from many, many years ago.

I shouldn't be so hard on 2008 after all...

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Habits

My uncle once told me that it takes seven days to make or break a habit. I have just about that much time left in my stay-cation. Following are a few habits I am going to make a concerted effort to make and break during this week:

1. In bed by 9:30 pm.
2. Up by 6 am.
3. Go to the gym twice a day. I already go once but have noticed that it takes twice as long for my body to respond to the workouts - curse getting older! So, I figure I should go twice a day.
4. Eat a healthy dinner by 7 pm.
5. Actually open my mail the day I get it instead of letting it sit on the counter for weeks collecting dust and eventually resulting in late payments - bad, I know.
6. Yoga at least twice a week.
7. I seriously need to lay off the caffeine. I've quit my addiction to Starbucks. (Yay!) I've simply replaced it with an addiction to another coffee shop. (Sigh.)

Monday, December 29, 2008

Stay-cation

Today was the first day of my stay-cation. I have this entire week off of work and am not going anywhere. I'm staying in the city, running errands, and checking off things from my to do list that have been on the list for months now. It feels great. At least, it feels better than a few days ago. Honestly, I was pretty terrified at being away from the office for an entire week. That's when I realized how badly I needed to be away from the office. It's unhealthy how attached I am to that place.

I've always said that my work is my life. I truly enjoy what I do so going to the office is not a chore. However, these past few months my work has turned into a job and just that. Nothing more. I've had to put up boundaries and force myself to take time off, hence this week long break, and it doesn't feel right. I'm hoping by the end of the week it will. It has started off quite nicely at least.

I had a brilliant day today. Woke up without an alarm clock at 11:30. Headed over to my favorite coffee shop and enjoyed a cappuccino while people watching. I LOVE people watching. Returned emails, made plans for New Year's Eve, and met up with a friend. I went to the gym, prepared a healthy meal and watched Two Weeks Notice while getting ready for bed. Now I'm here blogging while in bed. It has been an ideal day and how I hope to eventually spend every day - being financially stable of course. By the end of the break I will be fully rested and relaxed and have adopted a healthy attitude towards work. This is my goal.

This sounds seriously cheesie but as I was brushing my teeth infront of the bathroom mirror and listening to Two Weeks Notice playing in the background, I began to think that maybe my boss is not completely wrong. I've been resisting his advice. I've been resisting pretty much everything because he's not the kind of boss my previous boss was whom I adored and learned so much from. Then again, I'm not the kind of analyst the other analyst is. My resistance coupled with his passive-ness (is that a word?) is not doing anyone any good. I could very easily say that he's the boss so he should be the one to change but it's going to have to be me. I need to accept that he is the way he is and find a way to work around it. Am I giving in? Am I selling out? My way has certainly not worked for the past 6 months. My previous boss would not be very proud of me right now. My career is about to take off and this is certainly not the end of the line for me. Instead of digging my heels in maybe I need to pick up the pace and start running a little faster.

Maybe?

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

I remember when we stopped saying Merry Christmas and everyone started making a concerted effort to say Happy Holidays. This year I've just gone back to saying Merry Christmas because really Happy Holidays just doesn't have the same spirited sound as Merry Christmas.

So a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Moodswings

Those near and dear know all too well my epic moodswings. And the stubborness. It's my charm I've always said. :-)

Lately, I've been feeling like Carrie Bradshaw in the episode where she gets upset with her friend who is not backing the idea of her leaving for Paris with The Russian. I never religiously watched the show but this one scene is very clear in my mind. Clearly it struck a cord even so many years ago when I first saw it. They've just left a funeral and are standing outside. Miranda is with her lecturing as usual. And then Carrie loses it. And they fight.

I don't know what triggered it and I've been thinking about it for the past few days. Still not sure...

Analyze away...

Thursday, December 18, 2008

crash and burn

Let's set the mood...

It's 4:30 am on the east coast. Handsome Boy Modeling Agency's remix of Jack Johnsons's Breakdown is playing on the computer (great song. do check it out sometime.). Half a pizza pie in the box on the ground.

The appropriate term for what happened yesterday is crash and burn. On so many levels it's not even funny. Actually it is.

The day went by smoothly. Checked out the holiday show in town which was totally cute. Went to a happy hour after work which was tons of fun. A high school buddy showed up. I'm playing matchmaker so I was really glad he swung by. I have someone in mind for him. So up until now, things are fine. At some point between signing the bill and getting home, things got messy.

I got into a semi argument with the crush.
I learnt that I got defriended on Facebook. De. Friend. Ed. Who does that? Who's got the time? Who cares?
I am out like a light by 10:30 pm. Wake up at 3 am and can't get back to bed.
Now I'm here.

So in retrospect maybe not all that much went on last night. Just a few things. But they were fairly significant. I can't be left to my own devices. I need someone with me at all times to take the pinkberry away from me before I start abusing the poor thing.

Well tomorrow (today) is another day, yes? Yes. ;-)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Ummm...

...is it just me or is 2008 taking For-freaking-EVER to end???

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Poem For You!

This poem has come across my desk a few times recently...some times by chance and some times more deliberate - sent by dear friends. And it is a beautiful poem.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome.

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

My favorite line is the one that starts and ends "Give back your heart...who knows you by heart".

I've been reading this one quite a bit as of late. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Kisses!

Monday, December 15, 2008

My cup runneth over

I’m better. It’s taken a year and some months but here I am.

Thursday night as I’m walking to the train station to go home for my sister’s birthday I ran into a new friend. We shared an umbrella in the rain as we walked to our respective destinations. It was one of those spontaneous yet perfectly timed events that make you feel like you are in the right place and moving in the right trajectory.

Friday I was home to help celebrate my middle sister’s 18th birthday. 18! I can’t say enough how proud I am of her and my youngest sister. They are incredibly grounded and just all around fantastic. In recent months I have found myself loosening up and begin enjoying myself and they have been highly instrumental in making that happen. Spending time with them makes me feel whole. They are incredibly patient with me (I have a bit of a temper) and their wit and sense of humor make the worst days seem like a walk in the park. They show me what really matters in life.

I was out with a group of friends Saturday night (more on that later) and there were some new people in the group. As the night wore on, the conversations became more personal. Inevitably we began exchanging relationship stories. My turn came. And went. It was all very anticlimactic. I could have made it quite a production and in the past I definitely have. Saturday night, though, it was a quick who, what, when, where and why. I did a little happy dance in my head. My healing process involves lots and lots of talking. (Thank you to all my dear friends and family members who had to listen to my story a million times over in excruciating detail. I love you guys!) Saturday night, I spent a lot more time listening. My preference. It was awesome, simply put.

Earlier today I was catching up with a friend at a favorite spot over wine and good food and in between telling a story I had to stop and let it out – I’m finally enjoying myself. Nothing extraordinary happened over the weekend. No life altering events. Aspects of my life are still stressful and mild drama erupts now and again. I get through it though because I realize how much I have to be grateful for. It’s a liberating feeling. I am having a hard time finding just the right words to describe it but I’ll give it a shot. Peaceful. Calm. Solid. Grounded. That’s a good start.

It’s been a long time coming. Early on I was anxious to “get over it”. I wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and not have the same negative thoughts in my head all day long. Or have flashbacks as I was going about my day. And I really wanted the memories to stop replaying in my head over and over again. So when I came to the realization today it was quite out of the blue. I felt lighter. It seems along the way I managed to fill myself up with enough goodness. The empty feeling I was walking around with is gone.

The entire weekend (and past few weeks for that matter) was brilliant from beginning to end. Between shopping with family and making birthday cake and birthday lasagna and inhaling mom’s cooking;
Between eating fried grasshoppers at the Mexican restaurant and bridal parties crashing our dinner;
Between spontaneous ginger tea in the afternoon with a friend and indulging in the best cappuccino in town and walking to the grocery store in the warm winter weather in new shoes;
Between feeling like a 16 year old every time I pass the building where my crush lives and sharing an umbrella with said crush on a cold winter night and consequently not really feeling the cold at all because he’s walking next to me;
Between running into the same cute neighbor in my building yet again and exchanging embarrassing stories and complaining about work and discussing future plans with a friend over wine;
Between singing out loud to All I want for Christmas by Mariah Carey on the car radio and watching movies set during Christmas;
Between having dad set up the TV in my apartment even though I told him I didn’t need it and having mom clean my apartment even though I told her she didn’t need to;
Between getting my butt kicked by my trainer and feeling it for an entire two weeks;
Between playing matchmaker and resurrecting the “Backup List”;
Between doing laundry on a Sunday and having conversations with God;
Between all this and so much more…I don’t feel empty anymore.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Uh Oh

My beloved leggings have betrayed me...

I can't fit into my pants anymore.

:-(

My time

I'm off today! I'm still doing a bit of work but I get to do it in my pajamas and from the comfort of my parents' home infront of their massive television. Nice.

I also have the opportunity today to finally go through my finances and sort out the mess. Oh I know my day job is managing a few bajillion dollars so really my own piddly financial situation shouldn't be that hard to manage. But it is. I don't know how that happens but there's my confession for the day.

Bank account: Have no idea what's in it.
IRA: Again, I think it's just sitting in cash right now.
Brokerage account: I do know where this is - all cash.
401k: Don't want to look but it is fully diversified. I'm sure it's dropped so much that it doesn't much matter anymore.
Credit score: I have no clue what it is. I ran a credit report when I came back home to make sure there weren't any erroneous items on it but I didn't focus in on that all important number. I got approved for my apartment so I figure it's at least good?
Credit cards: I pay the Amex off in full each month. And I chip away at the other credit card balances (yes, plural). When I was 25, I had zero credit card debt. I've racked up quite a bit due to some life decisions that I don't want to dwell on anymore but it is what it is. I'll get there.
Student Loans: I do know what this number is! It's a controversial topic but I see nothing wrong with student loan debt. I see it as an investment. You're investing in your future earning potential not to mention enriching yourself. That's priceless. I mean, don't give away the farm to get a degree in something you won't be able to get a decent paying job with. Be smart about it...but at the end of the day, I see Student Loans as "good" debt.

So as you can see, there are quite a few financial issues I need to wrap my head around. Good thing I like numbers!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Let's be friends

Why are boys confusing? Someone please answer me. And really I should ask why are males confusing because regardless of age, they have issues. Teen, college, late twenties, thirties, fourties – issues! Boys, adolescents, men, grown men, really, really grown men – issues! White, black, blue, purple – massive issues!

It doesn’t take much to make a woman happy. A phone call. A walk home. Opening the door. Flowers. Coffee. Walking on the side closest to the street. I give in – a text even! Small gestures go really far.

Let’s be friends…what does this mean?

I hate dating. I'm getting an arranged marriage. Hit me up if you'd like a copy of my biodata.

More Confessions

More confessions…

I love having guests over. One because I genuinely love to entertain and two because that’s really the only time my apartment gets cleaned.

I’m still attracted to bad boys.

But, I’ve learnt to walk away from bad boys. I’m maturing!

I’m a fall/winter baby. I love cold, crisp weather because it means covering up every part of my body, not having to shave (TMI? Sorry!) and getting to sit in front of the fireplace with tea and hot cocoa. And cuddling. Lots of cuddling!

I’m currently obsessed with habanero pepper cheese. Make sure to have a good glass of Malbec handy (or milk for the non-alcoholics in the audience). It’ll make you cry. Literally. Good stuff!

My dad just called to tell me my high school was ranked number one yet again by US News. Secretly, I think that is pretty bad @ss and I am very proud. But I’ll never admit it to him.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

After two glasses of wine, my heart is jumping off my sleeve. You will know exactly how I feel about you – good or bad – two glass of wine in to the evening. I have a hard time keeping things bottled up. Life is short. Tell people how you feel. Especially if it’s the good stuff! And if you must share bad stuff, at least it gives you the opportunity to make it better.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

29 and 5 months later...

So much to share with you! Where to begin? Let’s start with the review of the concert. I went to see The Dan Band. Many people had no idea who I was talking about when I told them whom I was going to see but once I mentioned that they were the band from the movie Old School their faces lit up with recognition. I’ve never seen Old School but I’ve been told that I should. The concert was good. Not great. But good. The company was awesome and for me that’s all I need. We started the evening at a Chinese restaurant that is quite the institution here in town – very high AQ! A few rounds of hot sake (yes I know that’s not Chinese but I’m not going to complain) later, we were ready to jam out to covers of 80’s songs. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your preference, they didn’t play much 80’s music. I was sad…clearly I prefer the 80’s style of rock and roll. Although they did do an awesome rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart. It’s stuck in your head now isn’t it? :-)

All in all though it was an interesting experience. I fell. Par for the course as of late. I was turning and tripped over a guy’s foot. I’m good. No harm done. We took the party back to my neck of the woods and danced the night away at a club. Great night. They played bhangra! That pretty much sums up how fantastic of an evening I had!!!

And it was my 29 and 5 month birthday to boot. Perfection!

I had a very early train to catch the next morning. 5:15 am to be exact. I went from the party to my apartment, threw a few things in my bag and caught a taxi to the train station. I made it within ten minutes of departure and the second I sat in my seat I was out until about 10 am. My train pulled into South Station at 11:15 am and I was headed to my bestie’s apartment a few short minutes later.

The rest of the weekend consisted of lots of drinks, great food and lots of laughs. I had such an awesome time. My bestie turned 30! In all honesty, to me she doesn’t look a day over high school. We’ve known each other since we were 14. She’s family. When I’m with her, and my other bestie who was with us this past weekend, I feel young and happy and supported and strong.

I hope I make them feel the same way too.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Men In My Life

I’m going to a concert today. Thing is, I’m not a concert person. I prefer the comfort of my apartment over some noisy venue with obnoxious people whom I don’t know bumping into me. I can get that for free at a bar. So why pay for it? Unless it’s Jack Johnson. That I would pay for. And Dierks Bentley. Sigh...

Growing up I went to two concerts. Both Oasis. The first because my friend really wanted to go. The second because the opening act was a Brit band that I really wanted to see – Cornershop. Remember them?

Since then, nada. And I don’t feel that I’m missing anything. So why now? Well, obviously it’s because there’s a man involved. Two men actually. One is my managing director who will more than likely make me cry today because that’s just how he is. And make me stay late to finish work because, again, that is just how he is. I was scheduled to go out of town tonight but given what is most definitely going to happen today, I will need to participate in some uplifting activity. Just so happens, the other man is part of the uplifting activity. He’s been asking if I’m going to this particular concert for a few weeks now and I’ve been saying no the entire time because, as mentioned, I was planning on going out of town. Given all the high stress in my life at the moment I figured why not. I can take the early train Saturday morning.

Remember, life is a series of stories. Hoping tonight turns out to be a memorable one. Will write a review on the concert – wink, wink – tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Life Stories

Here’s my take on life. The way I see it, life is just a series of stories. Since you’re going to be telling stories anyways, you better make sure they’re some good ones. For instance, I totally had a Bridget Jones moment two weekends back. And it’s a great story! I’ll let you guess which one. ;-)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Shout out

I’d like to give a quick shout out to Austin, Texas. Thank you for reading my blog!!! I hope you leave a comment soon. Our mutual friend told me all about you! I hope we get to meet soon…maybe at the wedding?

Smooches!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Yay December!!!

In case you missed it, it’s December! The year is almost up. There is much to reflect on in every which way – personally, professionally, etc.

What’s been on my mind quite a bit lately is the first time I realized that the world is not a fair place. Allow me to take you back to 1991. Middle School. 7th grade. The age of French Cuffs on your jeans, Vanilla Ice was still the man, MTV actually showed videos, and Britney, Christina and Justin were all best friends on Disney Channel’s Mousekateers show. Me, I wore pigtails to school, had a crush on a guy named Richie who ended up dating my ex best friend Jennifer, and was entering that awkward stage that required shaving and deodorant. Oh the memories. In between all this high drama, writing was my escape. I loved everything about it. For better or for worse, I wrote all the time. So how excited was I when my English teacher chose me along with a few other students from her class to write an essay for a contest. The best essay would get submitted to compete in said contest which was national. She placed us in a room for an hour to write about something that was important to us – toy, clothing, etc – and why. It had to be a true story. I chose my teddy bear. His name is Teddy. Creative, I know. I got him because there was a Christmas play in elementary school and for one of the routines we had to carry out a box and open it and there needed to be a toy in the box. My dad, the ever specific engineer, went out and bought me this tiny little teddy bear. We became best friends. I loved him so and he represented a lot of things for me. Comfort, love, friendship. For a girl who was still very new to this country and didn’t quite get all the customs, Teddy was my saviour. I wrote about these things as best as I could for being only 13, only in 7th grade and only in the country for some 7 odd years.

I had many insecurities growing up (still do) but one thing I never questioned was how smart I was (until I got to high school but that’s another post!). I was sure that I was a shoe in for the contest. I had the highest grade in my English class and although there were some faces I didn’t recognize in that room I was confident that I would have no issues winning this round.

How shocked was I when the teacher told me she chose another essay. Another essay? Who? What did they write about? How could it possibly have been better than my Teddy Bear story?

Turns out it was this 5’6 girl (yes she was a 7th grader) with big, frizzy hair wearing a pink shirt and blue jean overalls (it was a very traumatic moment for me and so I remember every detail) who won and over an essay that wasn’t even true. She made it up! She told me she made it up! One thing I had learned being in the States for 7 some odd years was that tattling never got you anywhere. I didn’t say anything to the teacher but I did tell Teddy. I stopped writing after that too. I did what I had to for school but nothing beyond that.

Up until this blog, that’s the relationship I have had with writing. Not at all committed. I write when the mood strikes me. I think about it all the time but I don’t do it all the time. This blog has been a saving grace in lots of ways.

I digress…the point of this post was to explain the first time I realized that the world is not a fair place. So there it is. It was over a writing contest in 7th grade that I lost to someone who made up something that was supposed to be important to them while I poured my little 13 year old heart out on the wide ruled pieces of paper. It was a good lesson to learn because the fact of the matter is the world isn’t a fair place. But I tally my life not with the actions of others but with my own actions and I tally them up with God. While the world itself may not be a fair place, He finds a way to make it all balance out in the end.

Amen to that.